One of the main reasons to start this quest was to find applied wisdom on how to act. What can you do when you see yourself in a position of being an unsolicited witness of unwanted behavior?
It doesn’t matter whether that’s on the pavement, at your daytime job, at a friend’s place, during a random encounter in the city centre, or even within your own family. This issue cuts across all areas of society.
We are in need of behavioral solutions.
The era of asking why is long past due.
Along this path I came across micro-interventions. Starting with my love for breaching-experiments (Harold Garfinkel) and the theory of Erving Goffman. As I reconnected with my educational and theatrical background and skills on therapeutic group dynamics, the ideas kept coming.
What can you do when you feel yourself in an awkward position?
When sh*t hits the fan and you’re part of it.
1. If-Then Scripts
What if…? This is a tricky one. Because the last thing I want to do is worry you with thoughts and raise your fears. So, be aware. This is definitely not a manifestation exercise. Instead, it’s a way to help our brain to stay calm. Research has shown that people act more accurately and faster when they know the moral script beforehand. This is how we train children in school: how to walk outside during breaks, or what to do when they are at a playground. But guess what, this also helps the adult brain (Implementation intentions, Gollwitzer, 1999, 2006).
We all know this little voice inside our head. Hopefully it speaks to you about dreams and wishes. Or vacations and creative projects. Beautiful things to accomplish. This same voice can also help us in a healthy way to prepare for unexpected situations. The only difference? We stay emotionally out of the story. Staying out of the story: We watch, but we don’t enter the story. This means we leave our emotions and senses out of it. When you’re daydreaming, you drift away. This is the opposite. We stay in the present. We don’t let ourselves get carried away by feelings. We do visualize: In a very pragmatic way of looking at it. Once we’ve seen it, we let go.
If-Then Exercise
With this exercise you’ll walk through some fictional situations. You train the brain to create an ‘if-then script’. This balances and regulates your stress system.
- Find personal potential triggers. For example: (online) meetings, coffee corner talk, awkward silences, shopping mall, family dinners.
- Write on a card 3 situations: IF (trigger) → THEN (micro-action). What would you say or do? For example: ‘If someone is rude, then I’ll ask what they mean’
- Output: Put the card in your wallet as a cognitive reminder.
- Potential pitfall: Making it too big. F.e.: ‘If there’s violence, then I’ll save someone.’
2. The Second Question
When you first hear about second questions you logically wonder what happened to the first one. A second questions is a kind of metaphor for the question that matters. They are amazingly helpful. They help us to stay open and connected. Within the right amount of respect and care for the complex situation and victim. A direct intervention when tension or uncertainty is still palpable. The second question breaks the social script of superficiality. It’s situational, immediate, regulating the moment. In other words: It’s a real-time micro-breach that restores safety, recognition, and presence.
This intervention can be either a high reward- high safety or low safety action. This means the action is totally in the moment. When you’re helping at an accident this is the go-to behavior. When someone is bullied or harassed in your presence this is a way to be an ally and stand by the victim. It changes the complete course of the situation, when someone is truly seen in the deepest of his/her being and the situation.
The effects are grand. It has both a neurological as a social effect: It disrupts the automatic freeze or social distancing response. It requires presence and attention. It has a regulating function: it brings the social order back to human scale.
Second Questions Exercise
- Would you like me to stay with you for a moment?
- Would you prefer that I say something, or would you rather not?
- Shall I call or get someone for you?
- Would it help if I paused the situation for a second?
- Would you like me to name what just happened, or leave it?
- Do you want me to step back, or stay around?
- Would it be useful if I check in with you later?
- Would it help if I made a bit of space for you?
- Is it alright if I signal that out loud?
3. More in the Booklet
Micro-interventions, these and others, you’ll find in the booklet. During the writing process of the book I’ll keep collecting them on this page.
4. Breach-Bingo
Breach-Bingo is the most fun! It is a very simple game. I’ll send you straight to the booklet for the whole explanation and instructions. But here you’ll already find some printable, empty bingo-cards. For your own breaches!
When the Bystanders Rise Up 